this man is a Knight of the Realm................ no seriously, he is!

I think it would be fair to say that there is one area of my life that my Mother may be disappointed in me. That is my dislike of the institution of the British Royal family and all condescending pomposity it has. Yes in case you hadn’t noticed I am very much a Republican (not in the US political sense obviously) and most definitely not a Royalist. Having posted recently about Mick Jagger (aka Sir Michael Philip Jagger) turning down afternoon tea with ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron and Boris Johnson it’s strangely appropriate that a story about those who turned down Royal Honours appeared in the news today. Following a freedom of information request by the BBC a list of those now deceased who have turned down various Royal Honours form 1951 and 1999 has been published. There are 277 people on the list including artists Henry Moore, Francis Bacon and LS Lowry and authors Roald Dahl and Aldous Huxley. There are no rock or pop stars on the list. Read the full story on the BBC site by clicking here.

Sir Tom shows off his first house

However it got me thinking about those rock and pop stars who have accepted honours and those that haven’t. The obvious list of those who have are the rock and pop ‘Sirs’ Paul McCartney, Cliff Richard, Elton John, Mick Jagger, Tom Jones and Bono and Bob Geldof who as Irish citizens are Honorary Knights of the British Empire (KBE). Add to that list Dame Shirley Bassey. A large number of British musicians have received the Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE), which is the highest honour a British subject can receive below a knighthood or damehood. Those include: Annie Lennox, Roger Daltrey, Eric Clapton, Sting, Robert Plant the Bee Gees and Rod Stewart. It was alleged that at the time of Elton receiving his knighthood Rod was just a little jealous.

Macca ponders his failure to win top score in Rate My Mullet

What really interests me though are those rock and pop stars who turned down Royal honours. David Bowie turned down a CBE in 2000 and a knighthood in 2003 and was quoted as saying that “was not what he spent his life working for”.  George Melly and Paul Weller also turned down the offer of a CBE in 2001 and 2007 respectively. Thankfully Keith Richards also turned down a CBE; I’d have been gutted if he had accepted! His comment on Jagger’s knighthood was that he felt it was ludicrous. Influential guitarist and stalwart of the Shadows Hank Marvin turned down an OBE as did Dub Poet Benjamin Zephaniah. At the time Zephaniah publicly stated ‘I get angry when I hear the word ‘empire’; it reminds me of slavery, it reminds me of thousands of years of brutality, it reminds me of how my foremothers were raped and my forefathers brutalised’ An MBE was offered to John Lydon who turned it down. I’m pretty amazed that they offered him one really.

Never a Knight of the realm but the only one who came close to looking the part as opposed to looking like an anagram of part

The four Beatles all received the MBE in 1965. John Lennon later returned his to the Queen in 1969 accompanied by a note which read ‘I am returning this MBE in protest against Britain’s involvement in the Nigeria-Biafra thing, against our support of America in Vietnam, and against Cold Turkey slipping down the charts’. It has been alleged that his Aunt Mimi who brought him up and upon whose mantelpiece the award lived was not amused!

Sir Michael Philip Jagger has turned down an invitation to partake afternoon tea in Davos, Switzerland with ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron and Boris Johnson among others. The meeting was allegedly set up to help promote Britain and British industry. However Sir Mick has claimed that inaccurate comments and suggestions have been made about his political allegiances. This is the reason he has subsequently declined the offer.

The whole thing smacks of hypocrisy to me. Why take a knighthood in the first place if you are not prepared to be a tool of the highest order for the government, the royal family and associated flunkies? What has happened to the anti-establishment, rebellious nature of rock n roll? Would Mick argue that he is trying to change things from within? Maybe, but turning down a chance to imbibe warm milky drinks and crust free sandwiches with a bunch of toffs is not that rebellious is it? It’s hardly like depicting the Queen with a safety-pin through her nose or emptying an ice bucket over John Prescott.

What happened to the Stones of old? What about some “Sympathy For The Devil” or “Gimme Shelter” instead of ‘Sympathy For The Coalition’ and ‘Gimme Earl Grey’. Mick you chose to wear the ermine robes you must have known this kind of thing would happen. Keef would never have found himself in this position he remains a true rock n roller who would almost certainly publicly turn down a royal award if it were ever offered!

Does rebellion still have a place in rock music? I believe it does, what do you think? In the meantime click here to read more about it on the BBC site.

Sympathy for the Daveil?

Back in 2009 I had the opportunity to see a band at a charity gig in York. I said some very good things about them in my review of that gig. Click here to read it. In fact I finished my write up of them with ‘My advice is gather up all of your X Factor shite and burn it, then replace it with whatever you can get by 3 Foot Ninja!’ The band have recorded an album which is scheduled for release in March this year and if the new tracks from them that are out there right now are anything to go by, it will be a real scorcher. You can get hold of new track “Fear” for free by clicking here and you can watch them playing another new song; “England Rains Over You” by clicking here. Are these boys the ones to take up a recent clarion call for a new powerful protest song in these dire times? As a big fan of the Clash I certainly hope so. I feel that they have a bit of the Clash about their attitude and that can never be a bad thing.

This music will move you on many levels. You will move your body, your emotions will shake a leg and your mind will tango with your soul. These boys have it all; great songs, great hooks, great lyrics, a social conscience, buckets of talent and a desire and hunger to be the best rock band they could ever be. They will be touring to support the album so if they play anywhere near you do whatever you can as long as it’s legal to raise the money to see them. You will not be disappointed, I intend to be at least one of those gigs myself. So feel free to come and say hi to the Hint Of Mayhem guy after you’ve pogoed and moshed the roof off the venue.

The band consists of Jordan and Joe Bell aided and abetted by Kane Waterfield on skin thumping duties. Did you wonder where their name came from? Well I’m pretty sure it was after a certain member of this powerful trio spent some time playing the original 3 Foot Ninja game on-line. I was also keen to see that they had posted a list of really good bands they have played gigs with on Purevolume. That list is; The Subways, Ash, Wilko Johnson, The Fratellis, Cage The Elephant, The Buzzcocks, Pete and the Pirates, Elvis Presley (they don’t look old enough for that one do they?), British Sea Power, The Airborne Toxic Event, Chico, Twisted Wheel, The Nostalgic Oasis Reverence Band, Little Comets, General Fiasco, Flashguns, Shrug (feat. Barry White). And there was me thinking my musical tastes were eclectic!

So prepare yourself for the arrival of the new album in a few weeks by downloading “Fear” and checking them out on Facebook and MySpace and of course going to see them at a gig near you. I am hoping to bring you more news about this brilliant band very soon; watch this space.

3 Foot Ninja prepare to take the head off of all that bland X Factor style shite!

President Obama was in attendance at a fundraising event in the Apollo in Harlem, effectively on the same bill as the Reverend Al Green. Obama decided to show his vocal prowess with a bit of Al Green karaoke. He followed that up with the comment ‘Don’t worry Rev, I cannot sing like you, but I just wanted to show my appreciation’

What a guy! I really can’t imagine George W Bush or any of the current crop of Republican hopefuls doing anything like that, can you?

I may be a few days late but big congrats go out to Paul Weller and his wife Hannah. She recently gave birth to Weller’s 6th and 7th children; twins John Paul and Bowie. My assumption was that John Paul was named after Weller’s father John and the Modfather himself. However I read somewhere that John Paul is named after Lennon and McCartney. There is no need to guess who Bowie is named after is there? I do seem to recall that Weller only became a bit of a Bowie fan relatively recently, so maybe he is a bigger fan of the Dame than we perhaps thought! I wonder if John Paul and Bowie will come to call their Dad the Modfather as some of his older kids do?

Mr Weller with two of his older kids

I have some sad news to pass on, which by now you may already know; Etta James, soul singer extraordinaire has passed away after a long battle with leukaemia and dementia. The former Jamesetta Hawkins died just days before her 74th birthday. Unfortunately she was never as successful as some of her contemporaries such as Diana Ross. Personally I feel that Etta’s voice was streets ahead of Ms. Ross.

Etta seemed to be able to turn her voice to many different styles; soul, blues, rock and even some bawdy numbers. My lovely wife Catherine aka Catwoman wanted a special mention in this post as Etta’s “At Last” was the first song played after we signed the register at our wedding last September. That is one of many songs played that day that still mean a lot to us both.

Etta had a hard life being mostly abandoned to a number of carers by her 14-year-old mother after her birth in 1938. She also struggled against a serious drug addiction for many years. She has been the recipient of six Grammys including two for her earlier songs; the previously mentioned “At Last” and “The Wallflower (Dance With Me Henry)”. Both were Grammy Hall Of Fame Awards in 1999 and 2008 respectively for  qualitative or historical significance. “The Wallflower” was her only US R & B number one back in 1955 when she was still a teenager.

My thoughts go out to her family, friends and fans. RIP Etta James.

Firstly thanks to my good friend Mr Horslen for pointing this rather strange story out. Mr Fiddy Pence, aka Half A Dollar, aka Little Sense, aka Curtis James Jackson III and finally aka 50 Cent. It is the latter name that many of you know him as. After his latest escapade I would say that this man could also be known as Complete Knob! He posted some rigged pictures of Jay Z and Beyoncé‘s new baby Ivy Blue Carter. Click here to see them. Are they in bad taste? Probably. Are they particularly funny? Probably not. Has Fiddy had much publicity lately? No. Has he had a lot in recent days? Obviously. Is this just a cynical attempt to get him back in the news? You bet your ass it is!

I’ve always felt that 50 Cent is an ok rapper but perhaps lacks the humour and wit of the best, such as Eminem, and often lacks the intelligence of the truly great rappers, such as Jay Z. Fiddy has also sparked bemusement with some other tweets recently. He said that he wanted to be a bird so that he could fly and shit on people. Then you could say that 50 ‘shat on you’. I think this man is a bird; well he is a bit of a cock isn’t he? He has also tweeted that he doesn’t believe that he has much longer to live, but I wonder whether that is a metaphor for his dying career. read the news about those tweets on the NME site by clicking here.

In some related news Jay Z has vowed to drop the word ‘bitch’ from his lyrics after the birth of his daughter. That will take a lot of effort won’t it? “99 Problems” without ‘bitch’ in it? How’s that going to work? Will he replace with a similar word? Maybe ‘I got 99 problems but a ditch ain’t one’ or ‘I got 99 problems but a twitch ain’t one’. Please use the comments box on this blog to submit your own alternatives to ‘bitch’ and maybe we can send a list to Jay Z or Jay Zed as my good friend Karen McP calls him. Read the Jay Z no bitch story by clicking here.

Now I am really not the kind of person who is favour of formal attire in fact I dislike formal wear immensely. I suppose that this comes partly from having to wear a suit and tie to work every day for most of my working life. Even now in our supposedly modern and enlightened world I still have to wear a tie to work. Why is this? What is the purpose of a neck tie? As far as I can tell it’s just a coloured or patterned piece of material that is tied around the neck for decoration. Does it keep my shirt buttoned? No. Does it keep me warm? No. Does it increase my intelligence? No. Does it sometimes act as a bib and catch food spillages when I eat my lunch? Actually yes it does!

Anyway I hear that the organisers of Royal Ascot are introducing more stringent dress codes for this years event. Click here to read the story on the BBC website. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-16607875 I won’t bore you with all the details as there is only one part that really interests me. You may know that I am a dedicated fascinator hater. I just don’t understand the purpose of those pathetic arty farty constructions that women plonk on their head. Either get a proper hat or wear nothing on your head. Ladies fascinators make you look simple and stupid. (In my opinion at least). well the good news is that fascinators will be banned from the royal enclosure this year, however women must wear a hat. Men must wear a waistcoat and tie, cravats will not be permitted. But let’s face it cravats are a little poncey aren’t they?

So whilst I am pleased that Royal Ascot has banned the fascinator in the royal enclosure I am disappointed that they haven’t banned it completely. aside from that would I really want to attend a function that is so rigorous about telling me what I can and can’t wear? Not particularly. When I attend the likes of the Reading Festival I can wear whatever the hell I want; A Dead Kennedys T Shirt, a Cheeky Girls hoodie, a Prince Charles mask, a Doctor Doom badge or shorts with ‘fuck you, you fucking fuck’ emblazoned across the back. (As an aside here’s a competition for you, I have in fact once worn one of those items at the Reading Festival, can you guess which one? Mr Horslen you’re not allowed to enter as you were with me at the time)

So now I have had my formal wear rant and spread the good news about at least a step in the right direction with regard to the fascinator how about some music? This is a music blog after all isn’t it? So I thought I would choose some fascinator  songs and artists for you. I must confess that I’ve heard none of these tunes before now. I hope that you enjoy them and feel free to suggest others.

I think I must be getting to that kind of age where many of your heroes or favourite folk from your youth are dying off. Well it’s happened again; sadly the great Jimmy Castor is now the late, great Jimmy Castor. He died yesterday in Las Vegas from apparent heart failure after earlier by-pass surgery. He was aged just 71 (although some on-line sources say 64). I hadn’t listened to him for quite a while but I heard the news on the way home from work tonight and played “Trogolodyte” on the iPod.

Mr Castor was a seriously funky dude who could even give the likes of George Clinton and Bootsy Collins a run for their money. His songs have been sampled by many artists including Madonna, Neneh Cherry, Kanye West, DJ Shadow, Ice Cube and the Spice Girls. If you’re too young to remember Jimmy Castor or he somehow passed you by then take a listen to the songs below and get your booty shakin’. You know it makes sense you funkateers you!

My thoughts go out to Jimmy’s family, friends and fans. RIP Jimmy Castor.

The List (click here to visit bored.com for the full list)

All I Want From You (Is Away)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
Bubba Shot The Jukebox
Bubba’s Inconvenience Store
Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
Cow Cow Strut
Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears

Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You’re Going Against the Grain
Do You Love As Good As You Look?
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Don’t Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
Don’t Chop Any Wood Mother, I’m Comin’ in With a Load!
Don’t Come Home a-Drinkin’ With Lovin’ on Yo-mind
Don’t Give Me A Plastic Saddle ‘Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride
Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Don’t Squeeze My Sharmon.
Don’t Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.
Git Up Off’n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year’s Eve)
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
Heaven’s Just A Sin Away.
Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind.
Her Cheatin’ Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
Here’s A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
High Cost of Low Living
Hold On To Your Men..’Cause She’s Single Again
How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?
How Can I Get Over You if You Won’t Get Out from Under Me?
How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite Nobody But Me?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
I Can’t Pass the Bar, and There’s One on my Way Home
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life.
I Don’t Care if it Rains or Freezes ‘Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin’ on the Dashboard of my Car
I Don’t Do Floors
I Don’t Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I Don’t Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
I Don’t Want Your Body If Your Heart’s Not In It.
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2.
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I’m Waitin In Your Welfare Line
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin’ Coming
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine.
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
I Knew I’d Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You.
I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain’t Used Up
I Meant Every Word That He Said.
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In ” Y “
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow.
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife‘s Heart
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out Of Town.
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It’d Strain Our Love
I Wouldn’t Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win.
I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy.
I’d Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Drinkin’ Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will.
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find On You.
If I Ain’t Got It, You Don’t Need It.
If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I’d Sneeze Them All Atchoo!
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I’d Do It All Over You
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I’d Live Over a Delicatessen
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If I Were In Your Shoes, I’d Walk Right Back To Me
If I’d Killed You When I Wanted To, I’d be Out of Jail By Now
If It’s Got To Be Later, How ‘Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low.
If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I’d Blow It Al On You
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
If She Hadn’t Been So Good Lookin’ I Might Have Seen the Train
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I’ll Fall In Love.
If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He’d Have a Ball in Mine
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I’d Cry All Night Long.
If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me
If Today Was A Fish, I’d Throw It Back In
If Whiskey Were A Woman, I’d Be Married For Sure.
If You Can’t Be Good, Be Bad With Me
If You Can’t Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
If You Can’t Bite, Don’t Growl.
If You Can’t Feel It (It Ain’t There).
If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead?
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Don’t Leave Me, I’ll Find Someone Who Will
If You Ever Get the Feelin’ I Don’t Love You, Feel Again.
If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time
If You Leave Me I’m Gone
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
If You Really Loved Me, You’d Leave
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife’s Heart
If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD
If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!
If You’re Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right
I’ll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him.
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
I’ll Tennessee You In My Dreams
I’m Drinkin Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year)
I’m Gettin’ Gray From Being Blue.
I’m Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.
I’m Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of my Car and Drive Myself to Drink
I’m Havin’ Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon.
I’m Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail
I’m In Love With A Capital U
I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life.
I’m Just an Old Chunk of Coal (But I’m Gonna be a Diamond Someday)
I’m Not Married But The Wife Is.
I’m Quittin’ Wild Turkey Cold Turkey
I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.
I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised.
I’m Under The Table Over You
Is It Cold in Here, or Is it Just You?
It Ain’t Easy Being Easy
It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad.
It Don’t Feel Like Sinnin’ To Me.
It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long.
It Took a Helluva Man to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn’t Take Him Long
It’s Not the High Cost of Living, It’s the Cost of Living High
I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.
I’ve Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I’ve Got $5 And It’s Saturday Night
I’ve Got a Cowboy In The Saddle, and Another One’s Holding My Horse
I’ve Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat!
I’ve Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I’m Blue All The Time.
I’ve Got Tears In My Eyes From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You.
I’ve Got the Cob, If You’ve Got the Corn
I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
I’ve Heard that Tear Stained Monologue You Do There by the Door Before You Go
Jeremiah Peabody’s Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills
Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You
Jim, I Wore A Tie Today
Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
Last Night I Went to Bed with a “10″ and Woke this Morning with a “2″
Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me.
Legendary Chicken Fairy
Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
Make Me Late For Work Today.
Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose.
Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, Cuz I’m a Little Boulder There
Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic.
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus.
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
My Lips Want to Stay (But My Heart Wants to Go)
My Phone Ain’t Been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn’t You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
Nashville Rash
Ned Nostril (and his South Seas Paradise, Put Your Blues on Ice, Cheap at Twice the Price Band, Icky Icky Ucky Ucky)
No Way, Conway (I Ain’t Gonna Twitty Tonight)
Occasional Wife
Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It’s Hard To Be Humble When You’re Perfect In Every Way.
Our Love is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain’t the Same
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed.
Overlonely and Underkissed
Pardon Me, I’ve Been Pardoned
Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill.
Phantom Of The Opry
Pick Me Up On Your Way Down
Pick Me Up Or Let Me Down
Please Bypass This Heart.
Poultry Promenade
Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer
Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
Redneck Martians Stole My Baby
Refried Dreams
Run for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can’t Corner You There)
Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I’m Riding the Range Tonight
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw
She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft.
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy
She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas
She’s Actin’ Single….. I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty.
She’s Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
She’s Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without.
Slap ‘Er Down Again Paw
Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love.
Tennis Must Be Your Racket ‘Cause Love Means Nothin’ To You.
Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone.
Thanks To The Cathouse, I’m In The Doghouse With You
The Alcohall of Fame
The Bridge Washed Out and I Can’t Swim and My Baby’s On the Other Side
The Last Word In Lonesome Is “Me”.
The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
The Old Home Fill ‘er Up and Keep On Truckin’ Cafe”
The Pint Of No Return.
There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ For You
There Ain’t No Waste In My Baby’s Love Canal.
There’s A Tear In My Beer
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out.
This Good Girl’s Gonna Go Bad
This White Circle on My Finger Means We’re Through
Tight Fittin’ Jeans
Timber… I’m Fallin In Love
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands.
Trainwreck Of Emotion
Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart.
Waitin’ In Your Welfare Line
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
Warm Beer Cold Women
We Used To Kiss On The Lips, But It’s All Over Now
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made A Loser Out Of Me).
When the Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line
When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town).
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
Who’s Gonna Mow Your Grass?
Who’s Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I’m Dead And Gone?
Who’s Makin’ Time with the Time Keeper’s Daughter, when the Time Keeper’s Keepin’ Time?
Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw
Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
Yard Sale
You Ain’t Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin’
You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog (‘s Leavins’)
You Ain’t Woman Enough To Take My Man
You Can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can’t Keep My Face from Breaking Out
You Can’t Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play.
You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd.
You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Goodbye
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me.
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You’d think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go
Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns
Your Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life.
You’re A Cross I Can’t Bear.
You’re a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
You’re Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
You’re Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
You’re Ruining My Bad Reputation.
You’re The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can’t Bite You Off
You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
You’re The Ring Around My Bathtub, You’re The Hangnail Of My Life
You’ve Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
You’ve Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart